Just the phrase of “Starting Over” feels like a contradiction of emotions- dark, dreary and impossible- hopeful and exciting. I am not sure which side of the emotional spectrum I call into. Like most topics and issues in life, I float, landing somewhere in the middle after much pondering, praying, researching. We shall see . . .
I find myself at the place in life I never thought I would be- a single mom, life turned up-side down, and just when you thought, “OK, I think the worst is behind us now, we can rebuild our lives”, throw in The Rona- loss of most of my business, switch to virtual teaching at my other job, then laid off. Moving eldest back home, youngest lost her entire extracurricular life (her whole outlet). Darkness has loomed for months of just trying to make it from day to day, seeing what life will throw at us next. And it keeps on coming.
The only thing that has been stable is my radio job, but that does not pay a fraction of the bills on its own. My side business weighed heavily on the events industry (weddings, proms, pagents), and that is gone for a long, long time (Thanks Dictator Newsom!). Secret weddings have popped up, thank God! Being laid off from my teaching job was a big financial hit for us. Add into it, I don’t appear to be eligible for unemployment and getting help and questions answered on that front has been next to impossible. So, what is a girl to do when you don’t want to supplement with savings forever? Figure it out, like I always have.
So . . . I go back to what I know and what I have done. I am trying to see where the pieces fit together and how to make things work with my life. My girls, especially my younger, need me, as they have no one else. They are my priority until they fly. I almost forgot I had this blog! I look back at all those years ago with twinges of sadness. I was so hopeful and excited to see where life was going. I did not think I would be here. With the alarm clock ticking with so many decisions to make (work, and way beyond!) My focus must remain on providing for the three of us and healing from all the darkness and abuse that came upon us.
So here is to fresh starts, right? That is what the New Year is supposed to symbolize. Or so we thought. It is the day two years ago that things changed. It is the symbol of when the darkness took over our house. But, this year, as we drove up the coast and I told my girls, “Throw it all in the ocean- the negativity, the bad thoughts- and let it all wash away. We deserve to be happy and not live in bondage anymore.” And we won’t. I will figure it out. Where we will go, what I will do (the girls are close to flying!).
I guess coming back around to this blog could be the beginning of something good. I need good. I need direction. I need fun.